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Being a man is something of a lost art today. If you round up a thousand males, you may only find four or five men in the whole. This will vary by location and circumstance, but assuming that you could get 1000 males who were a perfect representation of the population of people on earth, it would be about right. You would likely have 995 people who only said they were men, and 5 people who really were.According to the article How to be a Man by Brian Kim, many of the other males will have become soft men. These soft men are basically full grown boys, who for one reason or another didn't really become men. They may have grown up, and learned to make a living, care for a family, or do many other things, but they never really became men.
Brian explains that the reasons many boys never grow into men often include the lack of interaction between fathers and sons, and the absence of a rite of passage in modern culture. I'm sure these are both heavy contributors, but I think there are three more that need to be mentioned as well. The first being the demonization of men and the male image by sexists and the second being a feel good culture that encourages people to "be themselves" and tell them that they're good enough just being themselves, even if they don't have any good traits. I'm sure the systematic erosion of integrity in the society also plays a role.
The Rise of Feminism
When someone says the word sexism, it brings up thoughts of men who see women as nothing but sex objects and want to keep them at home, raising the kids and cooking the food. This is what we think of, and that's still found here and there. Much more common recently though is a more devious sort of sexism, commonly called feminism.
Feminism may not have started out that way, but what it's become is little more than sexism with support. I don't want to go into it too far right now, as it's not the point of this article, but suffice to say todays feminism encourages females to be disrespectful and condescending to men, on the grounds that everything it is to be a man is nothing more than being a brutal oppressor of women. Men have grown to tolerate this obnoxious behavior, but combined with the industrial age separation of fathers and sons Brian mentioned, it at least triples the effect upon the sons. Men may know better than to let what the women say get to them, but the boys who see less and less of their fathers, can do little but nod and soak up the fact that they're inferior to women, and that everything it is to be a man is bad.
The Feel Good Culture
A second element that certainly has some bearing on the ascent of boys to manhood is the feel good culture. Although it's great to feel good about yourself, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. It's one thing to encourage the blind to make the most of their life, and to let them know that being blind doesn't mean that their life is over. It's something else to let someone who's mentally challenged graduate high school without taking the same courses as all of the other students.
Young boys today are often taught that however they want to be is fine. While it's great to encourage a child to do great things and reach for the sky, what often happens is that the children are let to do their own thing, and they grow into teenagers who are still doing their own thing. This often leads to them taking the easy way through much of their lives. They may become good at one or two things, but they don't learn the underlying principles of manhood in their pursuit, and though they often seem to be flourishing, they aren't really growing into men.
This is fine though, as long as they feel good about who they are. They become good feeling teenagers who grow into good feeling guys in their twenties and thirties. They feel good the entire time, but they don't become real men. Instead, they become soft men who feel good about being soft. They don't have to be brave or strong or smart, because they're happy in their secret heart. If that last line sounds a little out of place, it's because it's from a child's movie, and even if that particular song was sung by a certain female lion, it's only one of hundreds of instances of that same message, telling them they don't need to develop the traits of a man, because they're good enough just being themselves.
I don't mean to sound cruel, but I think the children would be better off with almost anything for a role model but today's cartoons. Doesn't it seem like telling a child that they don't need to have any good traits, because they're great how they are, is likely to leave them lacking a little motivation to develop any good traits?
The Erosion of Integrity
A big part of being a man is integrity, just ask Brett McKay from The Art of Manliness. In today's culture, integrity is being presented to a boy as a good trait less and less often.
The rap and rock culture in general promotes poor role models and citizens as its stars. The youths who look up to them and listen to their music absorb their traits through their music. In this way these youth learn that drugs, and womanizing, and being out of control, are all traits to admire, and that if you do them then you're cool. At some point we have to stop and ask why it's cool to be a criminal.
Not as obvious but far more devious is the lowering of standards in the main culture. You can see the heroes of the modern children's movies are silently deflating. It ties into the feel good culture, in that the children are being taught that it's okay if you don't have very high integrity, as long as you mean well and you come clean in the end.
The heroes they're exposed to often make faulty moral judgments, but as long as they "make things right" everything turns out alright. This draws a fuzzy grey line from an ethical standpoint, at a time when children need a clear definition of correct behavior.
Further Reading
Steve Pavlina wrote a great article on How to be a Man, which outlines a lot of the key elements associated with manhood. I recommend you take a read if you're looking for hints on becoming a bit more manly.
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17 comments for this post
Well, I left a comment but it's not showing up so I'll just say, "AMEN!" to this post. I recommend this book for fathers and sons: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Modern-Day-Knight-Authentic/dp/1561797162
A few years ago, my wife and I drove to Boston with another couple. It was the first stop on a trip to the Caribbean. Since we were flying out of Boston, we decided to arrive the day before and spend the night at our friend's parents place. This friends Dad got up in the wee hours of the morning to drive us to the airport - a 90 minute drive - with not a grumble or complaint. For him, it was the only possible option... Immediately, I thought to myself - with great admiration - that this guy is Old School.
He had something that the new generation lacks. He had something that my grandfather lived by each and every day of his life. He had the Old School values. I was lucky to be exposed to that. I don't think I'm half the man he was, but if I'm a man at all it is because of him.
Thanks for a great post and some worthwhile food for reflection.
Cheers,
Adam
I have been reading a book called "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and it is about the exact same thing. Men have become weaker and have lost a lot of the qualities that make them men.
This is a very thought provoking article. There does seem to be an agenda that fuels this and it comes from multiple outlets, not just radical feminism.
I find it a bit funny that Adam Sandler, who is the epitome of the "grown up boy", makes movies that often showcase integrity and strength of character. Many of them show the main character learning to become a man.
I hope that you'll continue to post on this subject.
Shalom
LoneWolf
Excellent post, Jacob. I agree that there seems to be a deficit of "manly" men but I don't think the erosion of integrity has only affected men. It seems to me that there is now an entire generation who believe it's all about how THEY feel and what THEY want. After all, the feminists you speak of are just as "ME" oriented as the weak men. Only now, the shoe is on the other foot with these feminists assuming they're now better than men. We've all been so brainwashed to believe that we should do whatever makes us happy, and as long as we feel good about ourselves nothing else matters. But there are two lessons parents are neglecting to teach - humility and compassion. Without having either of these values, no matter what sex you are, you're a lesser person than you could be.
Thank you all for your comments. To avoid inflating the comment count unfairly and polluting this area with my own self gratification, I'd like to reply to you all in one comment. I hope that's okay with all of you.
Sarah Mae, that sounds like a great book. I may not read it myself as it seems to mostly apply to raising children from a Christian perspective, but it sounds like a book that would be a good read for about 90% of people, so thank you for your input.
Adam Steer, it sounds like your friends dad is an amazing character. It's too bad that people like that are becoming so rare. We need to begin raising and shaping the youth to restore that kind of character into future generations.
Tom, I may have to look into reading that book. Thanks.
LoneWolf, Adam Sandler does indeed tend to make movies about the transition into maturity. The strength of character often reflected by his characters is admirable.
Beamer, you're absolutely right. The erosion of integrity has effected both genders. However, I intended to refer specifically to it's effect upon the development of boys into men.
Nice article and original point of view... It's great that you mention lack of integrity because that's the biggest problem of today's men. It was mine for 20 damn years... this is probably what separates a Man from a boy...
I don't know what fallacies you are talking about, if you call being a feminist being a soft man, then yes; but, you still haven't clarified what it means to be a real man.
I've enjoyed reading this article,thank you. As with alot of people, I learned alot from my grandfather just being able to spend time with him before he passed. I try to live my life, whether at work or home, by those strong values that he lived by and I've found that the men (majority)I deal with don't really like or appreciate anyone with integrity. A real man surely won't win any popularity contest because of that percentage of men that doesn't know or have the desire to do the right thing in life. They also push blame away from themselves if given the chance and won't have any guilt about doing so. Morals have gone out the window 20 to 30 years ago. (except for some of us)
Well said. I wish I had spent much more time with my grandfather before he passed away. He was the last real man I knew and I should have tapped into his brain before he left us.
I just found this blog and it looks like it's really interesting. I was searching for values of a true man. Why? I'm 19 years old and I was looking at some goals I had written down when I was 15 years old and some of them I hadn't achieved. Sure, I passed at university, all happy, but the goals that weren't achieved were to be one of those "real" men and behave accordingly. One part of the problem was that my dad's a captain on a ship and he's rarely home. I hope I'll find my way. Thank you for writing down the reasons that made boys be soft men.
I agree that men are softer than 200 years ago. 995 of 1000 is a little bit exaggerated (I think), but 900 of 1000 is pretty accurate. I wonder if the feminist ideas will continue to diminish the power of men... If it's the case, then all the women will have a big problem: there will be no REAL men to satisfy their REAL needs. And the primary need of a woman is a REAL MAN. Is feminism a bad thing? Not necessary. But it must have it's limits.
A very great article you have there. It's really sad how such values are considered unimportant nowadays.
I write a tongue-in-cheek blog called The Male Playbook that gives tactics on how to pull off a successful male lifestyle. It's ridiculous, but I think the reason that a lot of people have enjoyed it because there's a lot of truth to the fact that men as a species have lost our way a bit. Integrity, patriotism, honor, God and family values sound like something that belong on a black and white TV show, but people can feel that they're missing.
"Young boys today are often taught that however they want to be is fine. While it's great to encourage a child to do great things and reach for the sky, what often happens is that the children are let to do their own thing, and they grow into teenagers who are still doing their own thing. This often leads to them taking the easy way through much of their lives. They may become good at one or two things, but they don't learn the underlying principles of manhood in their pursuit, and though they often seem to be flourishing, they aren't really growing into men." = Problem
Solution = Humanity, initiative, and integrity traits MUST be passed along throughout the generations of young men.
Real feminist ideals don't diminish the power of men, but encourage women to establish their own power side-by-side. In real feminism, everyone wins; you're confusing feminism for feminazi-ism, which is the foolish and childish assumption that "getting men back at their own game" is equality. It's not - stapling two grapefruits on a man doth not make a woman. Seems like we all need to grow up these days, hmm?
Interesting discussion, but it may be out of date. One swallow doesn't make a summer, but my son turns 18 tomorrow and compared to when I was at his age, he's way ahead in turns of developing into a mature adult male. He's brave, witty, and very determined and focussed. And he has a whole gang of male friends who often visit our home and I think they are terrific - well mannered, confident and great fun. At their age I was an existential shambles - they aren't. I suspect its partly because of the internet and other media - they have much wider horizons. As a boomer my generation faced a severe cultural disclocation with our parents. These youngsters like the same music that I like! And they are very capable of adult conversation. So maybe the issue that this blog is about is real, but it is passing. Incidentally, if you want to see my lad and some of his friends, try
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ardUSeJd1t0. My son wrote the song.